Firefighters not actually that hot: Poll
What is the world coming to?
By Mondo Fernando, Staff Reporter
Fully 91 percent of people questioned in December 2007 agreed that the Fire Department was “doing a good job of protecting and serving area residents.”
However, only 19 percent of the people who called 911 at the end of 2007 described the firefighters, on arrival to the site, as “sexy” or to “resemble Matthew McConaughey.” This number is down from 22 percent at the beginning of 2006.
Asked to describe the average firefighter, 62 percent of respondents selected either “short with a pot-belly and a mullet” or “old and bony with a bad moustache.”
Only 16 percent of women described the average firefighter as a “hunka-hunka-burnin’ love,” and only 13 percent of men selected “someone that makes me want to leave my wife and pursue a gay lifestyle.”
The poll also revealed that an alarming nine percent of all calls to 911 are made under false pretences as an excuse for a crew of sweaty, muscular men to come rushing to their doorstep. This is due to the widely-held misconception that, rather than the legal penalty of a $350 fine per vehicle, people found guilty of fraudulent calls receive a playful spanking by the firefighter of their choice.
Social groups responsible for the greatest discontent include desperate single women in their 40s and homosexual male firefighters across all income levels.
The poll results sparked outrage across the city, with one interest group threatening a lawsuit against the Firefighter’s Association, which is responsible for producing the popular Firefighter Calendar.
“This is a flagrant case of false advertising,” charged Rhonda Lopez, president of a citizens’ group called Cutie on Duty. “I don’t give a damn if the proceeds go to a good cause. [The Firefighter’s Association is] offering a product and they’re not delivering.”
Fire Department Chief Randall Myers, upon being shown the survey results, simply commented: “Fuck.”
“Beggars can’t be choosers,” he later added, “and these guys are volunteers. On the upside, this may bring down the number of fraudulent calls from people that just want a spanking. You’d be amazed how many of those we get.”
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